Why do I resist the things I love?

If you are wondering “why am I not doing that thing I should/want to be doing”, it may not be laziness, lack of will power, or inertia, or stuckness, or even self sabotage. And at the very least, labeling it as such is not particularly constructive. (How useful a particular perspective is in motivating us to change depends greatly on context - what tools we currently have for navigating change, where we are on a particular transformation journey, the size and type of traumas we are dealing with, etc.).

What may be a more illuminating way to look at it is that you are not doing whatever that thing is because it does not fit in with your sense of self worth or identity. Like it literally cannot co-exist with your current sense of self.

And yes, “just doing it” is a way to develop a new identity, but it’s effectiveness depends again on where you are in the process of change, your current toolbox, the intensity of the wound you are uncovering. So just willing yourself to do something doesn’t always have staying power.

For several years I was resisting doing something I really wanted to do and surely would bring me joy and change my life for the bette. And it wasn’t even about doing something painful like running to get fit or something! I remember sitting down and literally feeling in pain as I was going to do something enjoyable! It was like oil and water. The north end of two magnets. Like two incompatible things coming together. I couldn’t make it happen, even if I did go for weeks or even month periods of “doing it” the doing it was so painful that it wasn't sustainable.

The only I have explanation in retrospect, especially now that I am doing and enjoying that thing daily, is that I literally couldn’t do it because I didn’t feel worthy of the joy and life that it could bring. It’s as simple (and twisted) as that.

But then the question is how do you build the new belief of being worthy or of holding the identity, say, of an artist or writer or dancer or athlete etc, something you know you are meant to be and will be sooo fulfilling!

It doesn’t have to take a long time, but for me it took a somewhat intensive immersion among other likeminded people, ongoing accountability and connection, deep healing from specialists in trauma, self worth, & somatic experiencing, and of course baby action steps along the way. The biggest thing though I think is the trauma therapy. Trauma goes deep into the nonverbal physical, and colors every aspect of ones life. I’d say there’s the biggest bang for your buck, but even that may not always be what’s called for and can be iffy if you can’t find the right person, or if you aren’t surrounded by the right support system while going through the therapy. (I’ve tried DIY trauma books to somewhat disastrous results, e.g. nervous breakdowns at work).

(One caveat is that the block doesn't always have to be about not having a certain level of self worth. It may be about a just having a hard time transitioning to a new identity, say from engineer to designer, writer to actor, etc. However, it's probably safe to assume that built into the identity change is the belief that this new identity is closer to your calling, to something you would love to do or simply something you want to try to bring you joy. And so if you are stuck too long in that transition, that is when I would bet that this is not just about adjusting to a new identity, this about feeling worthy of the joy involved in exploring a new thing that your gut knows will be fulfilling for you.
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All this is to inspire some more gentleness towards ourselves about maybe why we haven’t been doing that thing we know will bring joy and benefit us, or even resisting doing the work of trauma therapy itself. There is a reason why there is so much unhealed emotional pain in this world. Competent trauma healers aren’t lining our streets the way acupuncturist, chiropractors, massage therapists are (yet). And the right one may be hard to find. And on top of that, there is an elusive factor of timing that I’m truly unsure how much control we have over it (will leave the free will/destiny enigma for another day tho).

Over time, I will building a list of quality resources so that people that read my blog and are interested will have some options to explore.

Xoxoxo