A Musing on Change, Meaning and the Stories We Tell

Recently I went through a phase where many things in my life changed at the same time. Many things left and many things came in. And because the original catalyst left my nervous system in a state of unprecedented shock, the multi-month process was excruciating.

But this is usually the case with big change, isn't it? We don't usually consciously go out and try to upheave our lives; something from outside usually pushes us and it feels uncomfortable, and it's in the discomfort that we change and grow.

Coming out the other side, things have started to calm down a little, and this week while journalling I took stock over the gains - the things I moved towards or came to me; and the losses - the things I moved away from or left me. They fell into two main categories.

• Some of the losses and gains had nothing to do with anything I was doing. It was just timing, such as things I had set in motion months earlier coming to fruition, or random changes in the external environment that were totally outside my control.
• Some changes were put in motion by me in direct response to the catalytic event. These changes varied drastically in intensity and benevolence. Some were strategic and healthy improvements to my life (new coaches, business classes, bowing out of stressful responsibilities), others more knee jerk reactions in a desperate attempt to solve, fix, undo, escape, make better, and sooth the terrifying feelings I had in response to the shock to my nervous system. 

Writing down and analyzing these changes was an instinctual way to process the experience, to find meaning, to find the silver linings that would show that the experience was "worth it," that it was all for some greater good.

And there are certainly areas where things trended upwards - the people and communities I surround myself with overall are more empowering. But I also have some people I moved away from that I want to bring back into my life. 

There are some new daily habits, such as a wealth mindset practice, Eckhart Tolle meditations, and journalling much more through out the day, that I plan to keep. But I also lost my regular yoga and strength training habits, and started drinking wine weekly, rather than once or twice a year. 

It's hard to say if there is a net win yet. But the question is, does there have to be? Does it have to make sense or add up for it to be OK?

I do believe, as humans, we are always on the path of growing and evolving. But where are we going? And who said things are always supposed to become "better" overall, and what does "better" even mean? The only certainty really is change, and the next step in an evolutionary journey may not feel good at all. 

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Does it have to make sense or add up for it to be OK? 

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Yes, we can look back and choose to see the silver linings, and tell the story of our ultimate success and progression. But they are always just stories. There's no equation we can find that will add it all up and show us some objective truth about a net gain or loss, unless we are going simply by our bank account. 

We are living life. Life is messy. We try to learn. We try to bring with us wisdom from the experiences we have, especially the painful ones. But in the end, we all wind up having to let go of everything. In the end, you could say, we lose it all. At least that's what I've learned listening to Eckhart Tolle for weeks on end. 

There is no perfect way life is supposed to be. There's no deal with God that life will be wonderful if only we do all the right things. It's a learning ground and there are no guarantees. The only control we really have is in how present we are to each moment, and how we respond. And you could argue even the degree of control we have is a function of our wired-in nervous systems that develop in infancy, and though maleable, take a lot of work to change.

I used to measure my progress in life by how much peace I experienced through out the week. And that is certainly not a bad metric. But what if I stopped measuring at all? What if I stopped trying to find the silver linings, make it make sense, or tell a story of some heroic victory I think I need to have in order to feel good about myself and life? 

What if I stopped trying at all, and just dropped into now? And realized everything else is just a story, just a human-made illusion.​

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